composure + persuasion: the superhero in my head

My gaming group is playing this game about teen super heroes right now. I've never really been very into comic book stories. First I found them hard to read, then, after all the cinematics, it seemed like comic fans were way too into them. I mostly agreed to play the game because it was what the other gamers wanted, and I was so thrilled they were willing to play again, what we were playing didn't matter.

But this game, and its imaginary people, have taken over my life, in ways that are intensely positive.

The big one is that one of the characters has become the voice of my internal hope. He's become the not-exactly-angel on my shoulder that reminds me to look out for the best, and to try to find the good in the world, even when things seem pretty damn dark.

He's shiny.

Well, technically he's Splendid.

He doesn't have super powers, but he's a superhero anyway, because powers aren't what makes someone a hero. It's what they do.

He wears his heart on his sleeve, and strives to follow a true Heroic Code, even when that Code is inconvenient, or could be circumvented without repercussion. He's thrilled by everything, from someone accomplishing something new, to meeting a really-truly super. He jumps into situations where forethought might serve him better, but that same enthusiasm tends to see him through undamaged. He continually puts himself in harm’s way, because it is the right thing to do.

He also has very little filter, and almost no understanding of sarcasm when it is directed at him

And he's inside my head.

I used to consider myself incredibly optimistic. I'd believe people really wanted the best for the world, and would do what they could to make the world a better place. I believe that even "negative" actions were motivated by misunderstanding, or pain, or....

But the Tall Blue Man didn't believe the best of anyone. He believed that everyone did what they did for themselves, and only for themselves. That at their core, the real person inside someone would always hurt other people, because the "true self" needed to be allowed to show, and the "true self" hurt people because that was how people worked. It's complicated. The rules for showing love, and what was love were...confusing.

Regardless, I worked hard to believe the worst. To prepare for the worst. But now I don't have to anymore, and it's hard to come back.

That's where Splendid's voice comes in.

I'm finding it's easier to listen when it's not me talking. When the sounds in my head aren't coming from me, exactly, but from a hero I believe and trust in.

Yeah, I know he isn't real. But hearing him tell me that tomorrow will be better, that this is just tonight, and if we can just keep going a bit longer, things will lighten up... I can listen.

Too, when the voice is his, then I'm not being vain. I have a hard time with vanity and selfishness, but when I hear Wonder Boy telling me I don't suck, it's easier to accept. Even if it's me at the bottom, the fact that it filters through his voice lets me think that maybe I'm not awful. Maybe I'm worthy of actual, outward-directed love, even if people have not always been kind to me in that regard.

So. I've got a super hero in my head.

He reminds me to be gentle to myself, to be gentle to people around me. He reminds me that tomorrow's going to come, that the sun will rise, and that I'll probably be happy again, so why not hold on to see. He whispers in my ear that people care, and that I'm allowed to care for myself too. He knows how to get me to come down, when the anxiety is so big, and loud, and my brain won't shut up.

I'm ok with this. Even if he's an imaginary person, even if he's my own voice, putting it in blue spandex makes it a lot easier.